I have been a little busy and have not updated the blog in a week – a few readers have inboxed me to ask what happened after that second miscarriage. I will post an update soon!
My younger son, Vuyo, celebrated his 5th birthday a few days ago. This was obviously an emotional day for me. My boys’ birthdays are always emotional. I cannot help thinking of everything else I have gone through and how it is really by grace that I have two boys to call my own.
Vuyo’s other name is Karmel – which is a play on Carmel from Mt Carmel in the bible. Why is this so significant for me? It’s because Mt Carmel features on one of my favorite stories in the bible in 1 Kings 18 – when uncle Elijah decided to embarrass the prophets of baal. Continue reading “Mt Carmel – a place of victory”→
I recently read a book titled “Like silver refined”. In one of the chapters, the author discusses the process of the purification of silver. What caught my eye is that the silversmith not only ensures that the right amount of heat is applied, but also never takes his eyes away from the silver. He watches the silver and cannot afford to leave it unattended in case it gets burnt. I feel that this is the same with God, when life seems particularly hard, his eyes are still on us. When it feels like no one understands your pain, his eyes are still on you. Continue reading “God never takes his eyes away”→
In my last post I shared about my second heartbreak of losing yet another baby. When my husband arrived at the hospital, I could not look at him. I could not bear to look at him. The day before the miscarriage we had had an argument and I did not want him to think it was his fault. I knew it had nothing to do with the argument at all. He stayed with me. He started teasing me about my hospital gown. He whispered to me that the visitors should leave so that he could help himself to some hospital food. It was not long before I was literally giggling in the hospital. To an outsider, I may even have looked like I was beginning to cope with everything. I finally started talking. And I started eating. My husband ate with me. We held hands. I told him I was sorry, and he said it was not my fault. I believed him. But inside I was dying, my heart was breaking into pieces, it hurt, and the pain was almost physical. There was a lump in my chest that just would not go away. Continue reading “Why does a miscarriage hurt?”→
God has a way of turning a negative into a positive. I believe this is also the reason why He specialises in using the broken. I once heard a quote on TV that says, “God will give you a little sugar to go with the vinegar” and I believe I have seen this in my life. His ways just cannot be explained in words! Sometimes when he brings the sugar, we do not immediately recognise it as such – we may even call it luck, whereas it is God at work.
I am one of those people who can block bad memories from my mind, and somehow with time I forget the details of an incident that brought me pain. I am not sure whether this is a healthy way of dealing with my emotions or not. There are very few painful occurrences in my life that I remember in detail. However, I always remember, second by second, the details of the events leading to my very first miscarriage. Continue reading “The first heartbreak”→